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18

May

Beauty for Ashes

So if you pay attention to my tumblr, you know that I just did a few quotes from Joyce Meyer and her book “Beauty for Ashes” I have been reading it for the past 2 weeks, and while usually it only takes me a week or less to read a book of this size I am only half way through this one because every chapter has something deep and profound to learn from it. If you haven’t figured out by now I am a christian and I am one who constantly is trying to pursue bettering myself in Christ to help others. I don’t share my relgion as much as I should on this page but I am working on that. 

This book has helped me through a lot of the hurt and the rejection of the break up that I have typed so often about. It not only helped me in understanding that what I was going through was not going to last forever but that it would hurt, it also is helping me to see where I have fouled up on my end of things in the relationship. One major thing is that I always wanted to be right, and always wanted the attention on me, always had to be complimented or given an applause for the things that I did, and if I didn’t receive it all the time like I wanted then I would take it out on the person aka my now ex. I would put so much of my self worth basis on them noticing me constantly and listening to me and complimenting me that even when they were genuinely noticing me I was busy getting mad because it wasn’t the “way” I wanted him to notice me. I wanted it a specific way. By living like this and putting my self worth on someone else to determine for me, I was causing myself to head down an unhealthy path that would ultimately leave me alone for a very long time. 

Just some fruit for thought and if your wondering if I would recommend this book, YES IN A HEART BEAT!!! I have made it my personal mission to read this book by the end of the month (but also soak everything it has to say in) and after that I have a “Bible Study Guide for Women that struggle with Worry.” I am very excited to see what that one has to teach me :) 

When we know that we have value in our identity rather than in our performance or behavior, we are able to get our minds off what others are thinking about us all the time. We can focus on them and their needs, instead of expecting their focus to be continually on us and our needs. This is the basis of healthy, loving and lasting relationships.
Joyce Meyer
Because I came from such a painful background, the moment that kind of thing happened, I used to put up walls to protect myself. After all, I reasoned, no one can hurt me if I don’t let anyone get close to me. However, I learned that if I wall others out, I also wall myself in.
Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer

16

May

Loving you from a distance is hard, praying without you is even harder.
Me

uncsiren:

The Siren is a student-produced publication at UNC-Chapel Hill that promotes a feminist perspective on issues surrounding gender, identity, sexuality and human rights.

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The Truth

The truth about being the person that someone breaks up with is that many people think and treat you as though you were the one who did the break up, that just as fast as you were in love you are not out of love and the truth if your truly honest with yourself and everyone around is that, that’s not true. You didn’t choose to walk away, you didn’t choose to give up, you didn’t choose to let go of a future with him or her, it was forced upon you. 

Many people respond to that differently, some want to find the next person that will date them so they don’t have to feel the loneliness or the hurt, but the truth is (as a person going through it now) the hurt is good for you. It hurts and it is hard to go through but if you can go through a broken heart you could walk through any pain that life has to throw at you because the worst thing you can experience is a broken heart, or a love that you thought would stand the test of time.

I have been asked what is the number one thing you miss and as lame as it may sound to some of you and alot of you may not like me for this, I miss my goodnight prayers with him and the I love you, going to bed knowing that I had God watching over me and that I had someone who loves me dearly even through the night no matter how far away we are from one another. 

14

May


THIS MEANS WAR

^^^Movie I watched tonight, I can totally relate to this!
THIS MEANS WAR

^^^Movie I watched tonight, I can totally relate to this!

The Ring: My thought process tonight

So tonight is one of those nights you don’t sleep and you just reflect on everything. Usually with those nights I simply write in my journal, watch a movie and go to bed. But tonight after doing both of those things I find myself still unable to sleep, but only think.

today I did something very difficult I removed alot of things around my room that reminded me of the love of my life. It was hard packing it away, but as I did it I couldn’t help but pray over every single item down to the little bell and key. I then found myself thinking “This is not me giving up, this is me packing his things as an act of faith that God will help him and grow him and mold him into the man he was meant to be, and that in that process possibly along the way things can be mended however right now they aren’t going to be and they very could never be mended, however if you don’t take that act of faith you never will know.” 

I have this ring he got me for my birthday very plain and dainty but gorgeous….I used to wear it on my ring finger after we decided to take a step back from our engagement because my ring finger felt naked without my engagment ring. Then I moved it to my right hand’s ring finger and then when he really hurt me I took it off for 2 days to just get it out of my mind. After packing the things up and praying I couldn’t help but feel like I needed to keep the ring on.

Are we together? Absolutley not. Is there a chance we could be? Sure there is always chances in life. 

I put the ring back on not for him, and I don’t even think for me personally to keep thinking about him but more so as a reminder and a prayer guider. When I start missing him and wanting to contact him I let the words he last said to me resignate in me and then I pray for him and his life because no way could the last things he said be something someone in their right mind would ever say no matter how done they were with a relationship. The words “I don’t care.” Is kind of like the words he used when he first ever broke my heart over 2 years ago when he said “I don’t love you and I never did love you.” His head space was so far gone, and even he admitted walking away after saying that, he knew he was lying to himself and to me, and I didn’t give up on him, I didn’t trash talk him. I didn’t even put him down, I simply prayed for him and while doing so packed all his things up in a box and gave it to a friend I could trust to hold onto until it was time for me to go home for the summer and she did just that. But every day I prayed for him like no one’s business. I would go to class, get my lunch to go and go back to my room and pray for him. 

this time I intend on doing that only a little differently than before. This time I am taking it 10x harder than before and praying 20x longer than before. I truly believe God can work miracles and even if he doesn’t ever bring the man I thought I would marry back to me, I at least hope that in my efforts he will become the man of God he is supposed to be. 

13

May

Words

People can say things that hurt, people can say things because they are hurting, and it’s not fair but it is what us as people do. This recently happened to me 2 days ago. I was told some pretty harsh and cruel things that I never expected from the person that told me them. I got through the next day fairly easy about everything that had gone on the night before, but then today happened. I had no work, nothing to really rush around to go do and so what did I do? I thought quite a bit. 

Every time I thought I could just hear the “I don’t care” over and over again in my head and it killed me to hear it. At the same time though it strengthened me to stay firm and to keep going because it was enough hurt to push me. As humans we can only handle so much before we harden ourselves to others because the hurt is so overwhelming. 

I recently expressed to someone the way I was feeling from what this person did was “I physically can feel the pain from what had happened, but I can’t cry, I can’t get mad, I can’t yell, because I am so accustom to it and it’s now at this point where the pain is almost like a friend.” I know that is not a healthy way to feel but it is the way that I am feeling right now. 

What to take away from this: Your words can hurt, and they did hurt and you as a human being not only should feel some kind of remorse for what you said but if you are a person who has said something and didn’t mean it or was just down right inhumane about it you should apologize. 

for those who have been on the end of receiving the words: This is going to sound horrible but don’t wait for the apology forgive them and understand that your self worth does not depend on them and what they have to say.